Warning!  The following entry contains profanity, nudity, and references to the obscene.  Please discontinue reading now if you are easily offended.  However, if you enjoy sick and twisted material (i.e. just about everyone I know in Hermosa) please read on.
 
Have you ever been sitting on the throne of deep thoughts, engaged in your daily business, and wondered why the hell we do number 2 in the fashion that we do?  Well…….neither have I.  That is, until I went to Asia and found that there is indeed not just a twist, but an entirely different mindset on the best way to remove the brown baby boys from the nursery.  I mean, yes, I’d heard  of the ol’ squat toilet and all that, but I have to admit the first time I saw one it was like, "woah! what the heck am I supposed to do with this?"  Keep in mind that the first time I saw one I wasn’t really in mood to figure out any puzzles, I mean the train was trying to leave the station if you get my drift.  Well I guess instinctively I just dropped the board shorts, careful to make sure they didn’t touch the wet floor (more on that later), and fired the cannons.
 
Now, unfortunately I’d been well-trained in western culture, to the point that I didn’t think through to step B, which is the process of dusting off the workbench (before closing up the shop and getting on with your life).  Normally there is that nice ol’ roll of royal papers just magically hanging on the wall.  Little elves refill it when you are not around, so why worry about it?  However, in this case, there was nothing but a bucket and a tap hanging off the wall.  Not necessarily in easy waddling distance either I might add, not that I’d know exactly what to do with it.  As it turns out (please brace yourself), I’ve gathered the basic idea is to fill up the big bucket ahead of time.  After the boys are swimming in the pool, you grab a little ladle thingy and basically pour the water (left-hand only!!  what are you, a heathen?) over the area to be cleansed until it is as shiny as new penny.
 
Now I realize some of you may be asking the obvious: what if there’s a stubborn bit from that old burrito you ate last night at 3am?  Well my friends then you are, quite literally, shit out of luck unless you really don’t like your left hand.  I hypothesize that since the Eastern diet is so much more friendly on the GI tract then our fast-food nation, that this doesn’t happen too often and things generally work like a Swiss watch.
 

 
Ah but it doesn’t end there!  There are so many variations on the squat-pit/bucket standard, some you can tell are a mix of the West and the East, kinda of like fusion food really.  There is the spray-hose (much more practical, and very helpful for the above scenario), the self-flush toilet (where after taking care of yourself you then take care of the non-flushed toilet with a few helpings from the bucket), the western toilet with missing seat (which requires the amazingly difficult 45 degree angle hover manuever), and my personal favorite by far, the squat toilet handle-flush.  This amazing creation features the standard pit, usually with toilet paper hanging on the wall (wonders!), complete with a handle-flush sytem!  Basically its all the comforts of home without the actual toilet.  Bottom line is this…never leave the hostel without two very very important items: 1) your camera (you never know when something really weird is about to happen), and 2) the V.I.Papers.
 
Now not to wax philosophical here, but to be honest I think I’ve developed a liking to the more modern versions of the squat toilet.  Let’s be honest, its easier to get your work done and definately a more natural position.  I mean, when and why did someone decide that we should sit down?  Maybe that explains the high percentage of hemmorhoids in our culture.  Or maybe it really is all the 3am burritos.
 
(By the way, there really isn’t any nudity, I just put that part in to get Snuffy to read this entry.)
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